solo

Well. It was just Halloween, and there were lots and lots of fireworks and sirens ’round my place. My girlfriend and I, surrounded by all that spark and fire, we quietly broke up.

that’s a first.

Not a first to break up, but a first to do it with so little drama.

We’ve both been kinda feeling restless and discontent, turns out. There is love there, yes, there is. But there’s something…missing. It’s kinda sad. We both wept, but we are both relieved, too. I’m a little scared. I asked her, I said, “will you still put me in a nice home when I get too doddery to look after myself?” I hope she will. She said she would.

But there’s now, too, to get through. Each moment alone. It’s okay. I’ve been single before, and never for long enough, really. So this will be a good thing, an adventure, a test. I’m just remorseful that I let her say it first. That’s always how I do it, I let the other person take the risk, say the thing that we’ve both been thinking.

Except for the last time, with M. I was not expecting that ending at all. I got shattered in the fall. And J. helped me stitch together again. She showed me how to ask for what I want, trust my gut, tell the truth, stay in a fight, trust her to stay, too. She’s really something, J is. I love her a lot. I’m sorry I made her say, “I think we should break up.” I should have said it first, I’m the older one, I oughta have taken that risk, knowing that it was the natural end of this part of our relationship.

One morning last week when I woke up, the first feeling I had was one of loneliness. nothing dramatic, just a wave of lonely as I opened my eyes in the dark morning.

It’s okay. It’s a still place I’m in now. A door is opening.